remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
