i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
