So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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