we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
