You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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