i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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