I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
