i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
