Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
