im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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