I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
