How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize