I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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