Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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