true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
