I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
