Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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