Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
