THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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