I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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