I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
