New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
