i think my mom watched the whole time
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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