this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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