do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You've changed since you got that strap on
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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