Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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