We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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