Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
