Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
