First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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