I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
