I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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