I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
