Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
