i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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