Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
