I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
