I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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