on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
