god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
