if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
