This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
