Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
