Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
