he puts the penis in happiness.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize