turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
