if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
