my phone needs a breathalizer
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
