dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
