false alarm. still invincible.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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