It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
