wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
