made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
