I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
