im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize